This Love Hurts Too Much…

Maybe it’s not love?  I say love because that is what a little voice in my head tells me it is, the same little voice tells me I want nothing more than for him to be happy, and that I would do anything for him, so I assume it is love.  But maybe I don’t really know what love is, but I know these feelings are more than anything I’ve felt before, they are too much. Feelings that manifest reflexively in the physical, the immediate smile when I see his name on my phone, the butterflies at a simple touch, the twist in my chest when I feel rejection setting in, nausea at the thought of him choosing someone over me.  I repeatedly say I will let it go, I repeatedly tell myself not to go back and then that is exactly what I do, I go back.  This weekend I did just that, I went back.  I sent the text I told myself I would not send, I gave myself to the kiss I said I didn’t want, I let myself have expectations I had no right to have.  I went back to Knox, I went back to a time passed, and I went back to an old vice, and the result was a life altering moment that I can only be grateful to an angel for getting me through.

I must walk away from this weekend with a lesson learned.  I must realize that no matter how much I want something, I cannot make someone else want that same thing, and the only one who will get hurt is me.  Don’t get me wrong everything that occurred was my fault and my fault alone.  In fact, despite my angry words and immature attitude, he came to my rescue in that moment, which only made me love him more.  But now more than ever I have too much to lose, I cannot put myself in these situations and lend myself to the self-destruction which apparently I am prone.

Don’t get me wrong it’s all still there.  I still relish getting lost in our silly banter.  I still melt at his kiss.  I still find myself overwhelmingly attracted to him, beyond the physical, to his ambition, creativity and confidence.  But there are obstacles in the way, and I cannot will him to feel the same.  So I will keep the memories and stop wishing silly wishes for the future, and wait for someone to come along who puts these feelings to shame.  And in the mean time, I will be smart; I will no longer let myself go back.

Love always,

Jennie